just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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