Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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