LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
