So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
that's an acceptable place to lick
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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