She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
