why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
