Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
