My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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