Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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