if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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