he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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