Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
