Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
