Pappa wants mamma naked
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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