Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i was born a porn star she said
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
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I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
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This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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