You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
