Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
