Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
