This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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