I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
