At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
