happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
