Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
