Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
