Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
