he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
