Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it because I queefed?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
