my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
