honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
