Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
