hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize