I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
