i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
