I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
