I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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