Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
