I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
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She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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