Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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