If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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