so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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