I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
