I can't breathe out the right side of my face
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
