Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
