just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
