my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
