Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We have so much sex to catch up on
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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