...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize