I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
