New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
