Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
