Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
