I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
