If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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