Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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