i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
