I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
