Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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