Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
